What do I want to write about today?

13 10 2012

It’s football day at my house. Everyone is glued to the t.v. My youngest survived his school trip-3 days away from home. I survived it too. I only called once. Don’t give me the eye roll, he cried the night before he left because he was falling apart. He hadn’t slept Monday night at all then went to school and stayed awake all day. At about seven after we had him all packed and I was getting his meds together he came in and said he needed to cry. Pills pushed aside, I held him. I KNOW that feeling. But he couldn’t let go with me. But when daddy called, the tears started. There is no shushing of tears in my house. There is no “Stop it, you’re making it worse,” or “You’ll make yourself sick” or all the other inane things parents say to make their kids stop crying. If my kids need to cry, I let them. I hold them and tell them to let it all out. I don’t say “Everything will be okay.” I don’t know what’s wrong so I can’t say that. It may be their meds and that will take an adjustment and I don’t know when that will be okay. Or it may be that, as in this case, he was totally exhausted and needed to let his emotions out so he could go to sleep. Or it could be something at school that I might or might not be able to help them with. I can’t make my son pass Biology. I can’t make a girl like him. I can’t make the kids like my youngest son. I can listen. I can let him cry. I can make sure no one is hitting him or calling him names or making his life miserable. (This is something I check often because of what we experienced in Massachusetts.) But I let my kids cry no matter how old they are, no matter that they are boys. Sometimes, you need to cry. And stuffing it back in or ignoring it makes the pain that much worse. I don’t like them hiding their feelings. This world is tough. It’s like we are born fighting and we have to keep fighting every step of the way especially us, with our BPD. So I’m their safe haven. I’ll always be here to hold them if they need to cry. I’ll always be here no matter what, but they know I know. Sometimes, you just need to cry.
H.

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