Here Goes Something

21 01 2015

Well, apparently failure was an option, at least for me. I bombed the math portion of the GRE. But then I read in the FAQ’s that they expect us oldies who knew we weren’t going to use that math ever in our lives after we took those tests and who promptly forgot it, that we would do poorly on the “quantitative” part of the exam. That isn’t exactly how they worded it but for everyone that thinks they aren’t going to use that trig and calculus they are struggling through, you won’t. Unless you are going to teach it. Or are some kind of scientist or mechanical engineer or architect. But I’ve had most of them say they haven’t used it either. We have these great things called computers, even calculators that do all the “thinking” for us.

“Did Poorly” isn’t even close to what I did. I won’t even put down what I did. I wasn’t even sure I was going to share with my family. But it wouldn’t have taken much for me to miss EVERY question. That’s as close as I’ll get to telling you my real score. I just hope everything else I have blows them out of the water. I have a fallback school, but it’s out of state and much more expensive.

But what if I do get in? I should explain. I am applying to grad school. Something I was too afraid to do when I was a fresh out of the cap and gown BA holder. I attended as a post Bac. student but was too scared to see an advisor. My first advisor in school killed himself and I was kind of scared of advisors after that. I was scared to ask for help. Not anymore. I have needed lots of help since then and it has come in many forms.

But Grad School. I will probably be the oldest one there. I am used to being invisible so I don’t really like that part of it. But I’ve never been more sure of what I want to do. But school. Man. Still I always have loved school. I love learning. I love sharing my skills with others. I just hope some other mom has decided to have a career this late in her life. I don’t want to be the mother hen to everyone in the school. Look at me assuming I’ll get in. 🙂 Never hurts to be positive, right??

Anyone out there reading? Am I crazy to go back to school at this age? Yeah, I think I am, but what fun is life if you don’t take a few risks and I’ve been sitting on the safe side for far too long. So here I go. Hitting send. There it goes.

Now I get to wait with millions of other college students to get their acceptance letters. 🙂

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Fear it and do it anyway

5 01 2015

So I’ve been working on myself. Not with a hammer and nails or anything. Internal stuff. Nothing you can see and yet, I think maybe you can. This past year, so much has happened to me, I think I have grown emotionally at least 25 years. I learned that just because you want something doesn’t mean you can have it. It doesn’t mean that you can take it from someone else because you want it. I learned that love means different things to different people. I would do anything for the people I love, but they do not feel the same way. It isn’t wrong, just different. And  I get to decide if I accept that or not. I don’t have to stop loving them, but I can put up boundaries to protect myself from giving everything when they would take everything and give nothing. Boundaries. That is the dumbest word to me. But it is what is giving me an inner peace and wisdom like I have never known. I put up a boundary against the fear. Against the drama. Against the pain. I keep the negative at bay. All with the boundaries. I don’t even think about it any more. The boundaries are just there saying, “Nope, not buying it. Stay back. Keep your shit. I’ve got my own. This too shall pass (my mom says that a lot)” and my favorite boundary, “You will be afraid of it whether you do it or not so do it anyway and stop being afraid.” Man does that one feel good!! I have learned how to say “No.” Guess what? It is a complete sentence!! I just say it and close my mouth. I look at the other person defying them to say something else. I feel like I know myself more now than I have ever known myself in my life!

I was talking to my therapist (if you don’t have one, you should get one! Mine is fabulous! I wish everyone could have a therapist like mine! She is a miracle in my life!) and telling her I didn’t feel like I knew myself and I had no idea how to learn who I was. Here I am a few months later and I know myself. I don’t understand myself in a situation right away. I have to sit back and assess. That’s okay to do. I am not wrong to do that. Now don’t get me wrong, if the house is on fire, I grab my kids and get out. But I don’t have to react. I can think about how I feel before I say anything. Before I do anything. I was taught that I had to go into crisis mode as soon as something out of the ordinary happened and let’s face it, unless you’re living Groundhog Day, the movie, every day is going to be different, hence crisis mode. I have now learned to sit quietly and listen to myself. My first reaction isn’t panic. Unless you’ve grown up in a house full of drama and crisis you can’t possibly understand what that means. It is so calming. So quiet. I have time for understanding. Time to be kind. Time to be nurturing. Time to give back. I no longer feel drained. I feel like I am alive! I have my optimism back. The glass is half full. All from some little ole boundaries.

So if you’re afraid of standing up for yourself, if you’re afraid of saying no, just set one boundary. One line no one can cross. Start small if you like. But it won’t be long before it feels so good to reclaim your real estate, your life, you’ll be laying down lines all over the place. You aren’t pushing people away. You aren’t being standoffish. If you are, you’re a little too protective maybe and you might have some issues a therapist can help you with. This is not being anti-social. This is about not letting the people who drain you, take advantage of you, or take everything from you, not letting them suck you dry. It’s about taking care of yourself. It’s about standing up for what you want. Instead of stepping backwards, it’s about holding your ground and then, when you’re ready, stepping forward and brushing those people away. You’ll know when you’re ready. And when you meet new people, you’ll know what kind of person they are and you’ll have the boundary up before they ever try to cross it.

Being afraid is normal. I’m afraid of a million things. But, I’m learning to be afraid and do them anyway. I read all those positive sayings on Pinterest and I pin them like everyone else, but I finally believe them. I actually believe you should do the thing you are afraid of most. Then you can stop being afraid of it. Whoosh you can stop thinking about it. One more thing out of your mind. It is so simple when you think about it. If you set the fear aside and you think about it with no emotion, it is so, so simple. So….wish me luck on the 14th. I’m taking the GRE to get into Grad school. Fear- MATH!!! I’m afraid of failing, but I’m doing it anyway. I won’t know until I try. And I am so sure this is what I am supposed to do!

Girl